Merry Bittersweet Christmas
by Who am I. Well. I'm just Me
Summary: SAINW Christmas is not a happy one. Picture by Sneefee


Since time immemorial, Christmas has been the season of spreading good cheer, of spending time with your family and of sharing, caring and giving, of love and compassion and family bonding. However, it is not a surprise that a large number of people nowadays do not spend Christmas with their families.

Not that they don't want to, they simply just can't.

With the world as it is, as it has been since Shredder became self-proclaimed supreme _overlord_ of _Earth_, Christmas has become a mere dream in everyone's mind. A few of us remember what Christmas used to be, when we didn't have to hide underground and live in fear.

So here I am. Sneaking in the shadows, trying to avoid the Foot patrol units to get to April's secret hideout for our annual Christmas party though "party" is not exactly the name I'd give to what we actually do.

Seems that your disappearance not only changed our lives but changed Christmas as well, huh Donnie?

After I'm done with a lone Foot soldier, I finally get inside April's Resistance base. I hear people talking and walking in a hurry. No, we're not under attack; people is just fixing the last details to make our improvised reunion look a little like the ones we used to have back in the good old days. The decorations are handcrafted or recycled and the ones that look a bit new have been stolen from who knows where. It doesn't matter anyway.

They even got a small pine tree with some lights and there are a few gifts under it for the small group of children who survived slavery and human trafficking. Yes, there are still sick humans out there; like there wasn't enough evil in this world with Shredder in charge.

I see them laugh and run chasing each other with their battered toys; it's amazing how they can smile and be relatively happy in a hellish place like this.

As I walk inside, I get a glance of Casey's picture; it has mistletoe on top of it which I know April put there along with some flowers. I'm curious to know how she managed to find fresh flowers. I'll ask her when I see her.

Angel is here helping with the deco and also giving out orders. Just because today's Christmas doesn't mean we can lower our guard. We have to be alert 24/7.

It seems like it was yesterday when we met her and she was just a kid who lived with her grandmother. She's a grown up woman now; her pigtails are gone like the rest of her long, purple hair which she dyed black and cut it very short. I think by doing that she got rid of the last thing that reminded her of Don.

She gives me a smile from across the room. I smile back.

Then I notice the freshly bloodstained bandages in her left arm and both legs. Not a surprising sight really, her body bares scars like all of us do; but still, it pains me to see her this way.

My thoughts are interrupted by a very effusive April who takes me by surprise in a bear hug.

"I'm so glad you could make it"

I hug her back being careful not to touch the stitched wounds I know she hides under her top. She's a bit skinnier and toned than the last time I saw her; she must be overtraining again.

"I couldn't possibly miss our Christmas party, April" I say trying to sound as cheerful as her. "Are the others here too?"

"Mikey is in the kitchen. I was helping him when Roger told me you had arrived"

"He actually let you help him? If I remember well, he never let anyone help him since…"

My voice trails off and my smile fades away as the memory hits me.

It happened 2 years after Donnie's disappearance; we were trying to rescue a group of people from being taken to one of the concentration camps Shredder had put up for those who dared to go against him.

We weren't the team we used to be; we were distanced, aggressive towards each other and more impulsive. Well, Raph and I were; Mikey was still trying to overcome this living nightmare with his attitude and jovial spirit.

Either way, impulsive or not, that didn't stop us from working together in this rescue mission. Or at least try.

When we finally arrived to the place, we were spotted by some Karai-bots and all hell broke loose. We fought hard but so did they; the new Foot ninjas had improved techniques and upgraded weapons. Compliments of Stockman, of course.

While Mikey freed the prisoners, Raph and I took care of the ninjas and Karai-bots, slaying them all without mercy; at that point, we had become stone hearted too so it didn't matter how we killed them. My katanas decapitated so many heads that night, stabbed countless chests and slashed who knows how many faces; I won't deny I felt incredibly good every time I saw the ninjas' blood spilled in the ground and staining my beloved, sacred weapons.

Sounds depraved, I know. But that's the truth.

I was so lost in that carnage that I didn't notice the remaining Karai-bot behind Mikey. I can still hear the pain filled cry of my baby brother when that abomination cut through his arm; it was a clean and fast cut but that didn't make it less painful. He almost died because of the hemorrhage but we managed to bring him back to the half destroyed lair where Father waited for us.

Since that day, Mikey's behavior changed completely. He was angrier that Raphael, showed signs of depression; many nights he would wake up screaming and asking us for his lost arm.

And he refused help, even Father's.

April's voice brings me back to the present. She asks me if I'm ok, I nod but we both know I'm lying.

None of us is ok anymore.

"What about Raph? Is he here too?" Honestly, I don't know why I asked that.

"He left for lookout duty just a few seconds ago"

I chuckle sarcastically. "I wonder why"

"This doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you're here" April says.

"C'mon, let's face it April. Raph hates my guts and so do I" I can't believe that just came from me.

April looks shocked but it's just for a few seconds. "You don't mean that"

"How do you know?"

She smiles tenderly, just like a mother would and cups my cheek. After all these years, her hands haven't lost that silky softness.

"I know _you_, Leo. And that's how I know"

My mouth opens slightly but before I can say something, she walks away.

I'm at a loss for words.

She knows me, she says; I don't recognize myself after all the despicable things I've done and April says she knows me. Perhaps she's the only one who can see a small part of my old self behind this somber façade I don't know how.

I don't want to know either.

Suddenly I feel thirsty and I notice the beverage table; there's no tea, sadly, but I'll settle for water.

It's almost midnight; kids have started to open their presents and some couples share kisses under the mistletoe. The smell coming from the improvised kitchen hits my nostrils, that's definitely Mikey's cooking.

I'm glad he hasn't lost his touch.

The provocative aroma brings back more memories; memories from our past, memories of the times when we used to be a strong team. Of the time Donatello was still here and we were a family; the time when Michelangelo smiled and Raphael was my confidant and most loyal friend.

Why did that end?

Why did our bond break?

And most importantly, why haven't _I_ done something to fix it?

If Donnie was here, he would've clubbed me in the head for being so fucking stupid and act like a baby. Father would've never wanted to see us like this either.

True, Donatello was the glue who held us all together. But as the head of the family and leader of the team, it was my responsibility to keep our bond strong despite the circumstances and failed; I failed and didn't have the guts to do anything to correct my mistake.

But maybe I can make things right with my brothers now.

I have to talk to Raphael first.

Everyone's pretty distracted, they won't notice if I leave for a moment. April said he'd be outside and I know pretty well where to find him when he's in lookout duty.

However, as I reach to the door, I feel a hand grabbing my arm stopping my moves.

"I wouldn't go there if I were you. Don't wanna piss him off and ruin the party just yet, do you?"

That voice.

I turn around and my assumptions are confirmed.

"Nice to see you too, Mike. Thought you were busy getting dinner ready"

He lets go of my arm and shrugs. "Took a break. Besides, April told me you were here and it would've been rude from me not to say hi"

I hum as a way to agree with his statement. Mikey grabs a plastic glass with some eggnog in it and gets close to me, leaning against my arm.

I think he's a little tipsy.

"So, how's life?"

"Still a bitch, like always" Mikey never swears unless he's tipsy. I guess this confirms my thoughts.

I catch something with the corner of my eye; Mikey has a white rose sticking out of the back of his mask, where the knot is supposed to be.

Ok, so Mike is not just tipsy… he's downright drunk.

He notices me staring at the rose. "You like it?"

"I forgot to ask April where she got roses. It's very rare to see them nowadays" Or any plant for that matter.

"What do you want roses for? Special someone you've never told me about?" He asks, smiling goofily.

"You're still a knucklehead. That's good" I say chuckling. "Actually, I was thinking on getting some for Splinter. As a Christmas gift"

He nods; I think he _did_ understand what I'm saying so maybe he's not _that_ drunk. Yet.

"Few months ago a couple of our kids found some seed packets. Gloria, a former school teacher, thought letting them plant the seeds would keep the kids busy and distracted from all the shit happening outside. Ends up the dirt in the basement was fertile and before we knew it we had a little, decent garden. Now some girls, an elderly couple and the kids take care of it and planted a few vegetables so we don't have to go out scavenging for food more than we need to"

Well, if that doesn't prove you small miracles are possible I don't know what will, that's what I just said to myself. I smile and start giggling like an idiot.

And here I say the drunk one is Mikey.

He looks at me questioningly. "What's so funny?"

"You _do_ realize this is the most decent conversation we've had in years, right?"

"If that's your definition of _decent…_ then yeah, you're right"

Mikey starts swaying and slurring words but he grabs another plastic glass with eggnog.

"I think you've had enough of this" I say taking the glass from him.

"It's just eggnog" He whines.

"Rum spiked eggnog" I reply. "I can smell it in your breath"

Mikey looks at me dumbfounded. "And how do you know is rum? You've never had a drink in your whole life. Well, not that I know"

"When Raph came back home from Casey's, he smelled like that. Though most of the time it was just beer"

"You talk about him like you were still friends or something"

I shrug. "Blame the Christmas spirit"

We smile at each other before we decide to stare at the snow slowly falling outside.

"I went to the lair this morning"

I could feel myself tense up. There's nothing worth saving in that place, it's not safe either. So, why would Mikey go back there? I save the questions to myself and I let him continue.

"I go there every Christmas. I use to go once every month but for some reason, Christmas is the only time I can feel Don's presence; it's like he never left, you know? Everything in that place feels… like…"

He stops talking. I can feel him shaking against me and it's not because of the coldness. I look at him; I see tears rolling down his face and my heart breaks. Well, what do you know! I have a heart after all.

Mikey sniffles loudly and starts to sob.

I can't take it any longer.

I pull Mikey towards me so we're facing each other and I wrap my arms around him as tightly as I can while he continues to cry his heart out.

"Why did he leave, Leo? What did we do to Donnie that made him leave us?"

Believe me, if I knew I would've given him the answer right away. The only thing I can do is comfort him, just like in the old days.

"Hey, now is not the time for crying. It's Christmas, remember?"

He calms down miraculously fast. "Must be the eggnog. I swear that thing is evil"

"Sure it is, Mikey" I say while I try not to laugh like crazy. "Hey, I'm gonna go visit Sensei. Wanna come with me?"

"I already went to see him. You go and say hi! Be a good turtle and Santa will grant you a wish… or was that the Fairy Godmother?"

It takes all my self control to not laugh after hearing Mikey's drunk talk. Charlie Chaplin said: a man's true character comes out when he's drunk. He was so damn right.

This Mikey, the drunk Mikey, is the happy Mikey that lightened our dark days back when we were young.

I better go see Splinter before Mikey ends up barfing on me. I make sure he's sitting down on something stable.

"Merry Christmas, Mikey"

"Merry Christmas, Leo. Remember, be a good turtle"

I chuckle and rub his head affectionately before I leave.

It doesn't take me too long to arrive to the place Sensei wished to be buried. There are some lilies decorating the tomb, Mikey wasn't lying when he said he had already been here.

I kneel down and ran my fingers through the name on the tombstone.

"Merry Christmas, Father. I know I don't come here as often as I used to but… well, I think you know how things are nowadays"

The memories hit me again; I can see Father and us sitting at the table, laughing, eating, sharing. Being a family.

Why won't these memories leave me alone?

Could be this season the cause of them?

Could be the snow?

Or is it my old self who's taking over me, making me feel and love again?

"Father, you have no idea how much I need right now. You always told me to keep up faith and that hope is the last thing to lose, but in times like these… is it sane to keep hoping and believing in things that will never happen? Like Shredder's demise, Donnie's return, or… Raph and I to be brothers again?"

"That has to be the most ridiculous speech I've ever heard from you, Fearless"

I freeze.

It can't be possible. Raphael… is here? And talking to _me_? I don't believe it. I stand up and turn around; I see him standing a few meters away from me, staring at my direction with his lone eye in a way I can't decipher.

Is it resentment?

Hate?

Maybe sadness?

Pity?

I remember when I could read Raph like a book. Now we are strangers to each other's eyes.

"I didn't think you'd ever talk to me again" I say, masking my surprise with seriousness.

"Must be the whisky kicking in" Raph replies.

"What's with you guys and alcohol? Splinter never wanted us to get near the stuff and you two-"

I clearly hear him growl. "Don't fucking start with your lectures. I ain't in the mood"

"Relax, I don't want to argue" Seriously, I don't. Not in front of Father's grave.

Raph doesn't reply back, I think he doesn't want to argue here either. He pulls out a cigarette and lights it; that's his way to warm up. I don't know when he started smoking, who taught him or how he got into that but Father wouldn't have approved.

This silence is getting uncomfortable.

"I suppose Mikey told you I was here"

Raph snorts. "The knucklehead is too busy playing clown to talk"

Figures Mikey would be making a fool out of himself after drinking all that spiked eggnog. You know, I think I should have had a little bit of the stuff, would've helped my mood right now.

Raph sighs heavily while staring at our Father's grave. "It's depressing"

"Huh?"

"What we have become, it's depressing" He explains himself. "Splinter must be turning in his grave"

I have to agree to that. That's how sad our reality is.

I look back at the grave. Suddenly I feel Father's gaze on me, it's like he's trying to tell me something. The wind blows stronger, hitting my face and then hitting Raph's cigarette, instantly killing the red ambers in it. It _is_ Father.

Maybe he's trying to say he wants us to be at peace. At least for today. It won't hurt to give it a try.

I approach him and he stiffens.

Keep it together, Leo. You can do this. This is your brother, not an enemy. You don't hate him.

"Raph, I know we've messed up… _I_ messed up…" I'm so nervous. I can't do this!

Nonsense, of course I can!

I must do this.

"We can't be the family we used to be, not after all what we've been through but if we just gave it a try, one last time. For today"

I've never begged in my whole life,_ ever_; but I'm so desperate. I want this nightmare to be over; I want the memories to leave me alone. I need my family together.

Well, what's left of it, anyway.

"Ain't happening, Leo. You know that already" I was expecting Raph to say something like that.

"I know but-"

"Ain't fucking happening, Leo!" He yells. "Now, get outta my sight! You sicken me"

There goes the last bits of hope I had for today.

I say good bye to Father and wish him Merry Christmas. I dust my knees off and walk past Raph.

"Merry Christmas" I say weakly.

Raph grunts. "Whatever"

I walk away. I look back for a moment; Raph's still standing there and has lighted another cigarette. I keep walking and put my hands in the trench coat pockets. Inside the right one I feel the tattered fabric that once was Donatello's mask.

My throat is tightening, my eyes are moistening.

Why do these memories hurt so much?

Looking up to the sky, the purple mask in my hand, a tear tickles down my cheek.

"Merry Christmas, Donnie" I whisper at the nothingness. "Merry Bittersweet Christmas"

* * *

...

...

_**So, I'm feeling gloomy. **_

_**Happy Holidays, guys.**_


End file.
